EFFECTS OF PURE EVIL... On teddy bears...

From the Institute for Dangerous Research, Department of Mad Biology

TERATOGENIC EFFECTS OF PURE EVIL IN URSUS TEDDIUS DOMESTICUS

Protocols:

1. A sample of Pure Evil was obtained from the ruins of an exploded toaster in the south of England.
2. Pure Evil was administered, via drinking water, to pregnant laboratory teddy bears for the duration of their pregnancy (4 months).
3.  Dosage varied from 0 parts per million (ppm) to 1000ppm, titrating upwards by steps of 100ppm.
4. Offspring were euthanized and mounted for display.

Observations:

1. Pure Evil has strong teratogenic effects, with a tendency to produce asymmetry.
2. These effects vary widely, without a clear progression along a phenotypic path.
3. At higher doses, there can be inclusions of tissue from other species (kingdom? phyla? We have yet to identify that purple wiggly stuff in specimen #7)

Notes:

1. Specimen #9: This lump of discolored stuffing was miscarried at 2 months.
2. At the dosage of 1000ppm, pregnancy appeared to be reabsorbed before the two month mark. Administration of Pure Evil at the same dosage continued. By the 3 month mark, subject developed dental hypertrophy, ocular luminescence, and extreme behavioral changes. At 3 months 2 weeks, subject chewed through the steel bars of its cage, after which it killed two graduate students. Subject was euthanized with a sustained burst of automatic weapons fire.

Conclusions:

Pure Evil's teratogenic effects at even low dosages indicate that it should be treated as an extremely hazardous material and every effort should be made to prevent its entering the water table and the food chain. While it has the potential at higher doses to be used in the development of environmental contamination in the event of escape, strongly skew the cost-benefit analysis in the direction of HOLY CRAP DON'T USE THIS STUFF.