How to start a letter. Or How NOT to start a letter

(From February 2005)

It has occurred to me on many occasions that convention is not a guiding light in my life. So here I am about to say “Hello” but having decided to be unconventional, I am now forced to NOT start this letter by typing "Hello”, then typing a comma, hitting ‘Enter’ and ‘Tab’.

Even if I changed my mind, it’s far too late for that now. Isn’t it?

Some other ideas I had thought of for starting a letter were something to the effect of: Explaining just exactly how dishonest the person who comes on to the television and predicts what the atmosphere is going to have in store for us land locked, yet vocal simian ancestors. More precisely, just exactly what a lying bastard that person is! Or at the very least, how I seriously question the parentage of such an individual.

This particular commentary about the weatherman (weatherPERSON?) may be somewhat guided (jaded!) by a forecasted dusting of snow that was really only about 6 inches when all was said and done. Makes one wonder what an “accumulation” of snow would look like. An even simpler explanation would go something like this: The weatherman (weatherPERSON?) is incompetent and/or a liar! Mind you, they have gotten the forecast right enough times in the past that ruling out incompetency is easy. That leaves -LIAR-. Do the math yourself… See what I mean.

O.K. then, enough about the weather…

Another idea I had for starting off a letter was a headline on the very top of the page about “Glow-in-the-dark Banana flavored Napalm”. I would have gone on and on about it. But we ARE all adults here. Who has time to read about children’s toys anyway?

The sets of muscles that are used to “roll your eyes” are so fatigued in all of us that I dare not bring up politics or religion. Further fatigue of these muscles will undoubtedly lead to unconsciousness, convulsions, and finally, born again ultra-conservative republicanism, then death. I’m sorry if that alarms you, but it IS scientifically factual opinion. So, I wouldn’t start off a letter with politics or religion for just that reason. I can’t expect you to finish reading this letter if you are victimized to death by rolling your eyes one to many times.

Perhaps I have presented my concern about the dangers of “eye rolling” far too late in this letter and you have already expired. Admittedly the opportunity has certainly shown it’s self more than once, up to this point.